Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

men, we mow at sunrise.

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

A huge thanks to the person that did this

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

Had to try this trend 😊

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
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