[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
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Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Thank you 🥹
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
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At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.