Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

I’ll be mad as hell!

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.