Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you