[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
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Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Snack for election night!
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”