Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts