Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

We’re all getting idioter.

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen