Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.