Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.