Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

My zodiac sign is pistachio

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.