Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Fluff me with a fork baby
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker