Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
You Might Also Like
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
