Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

At least my masseuse has my back.

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

“Worm Regards”

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).