Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
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Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
me and who
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working