Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
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Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.