Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day