Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
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Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand