Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

Feel. He’s so soft.

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

Something Saturday.

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet