Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
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[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid