Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
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I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.