Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

scenes of unspeakable carnage