Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
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*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
The cycle continues
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
