Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
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All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean