Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
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I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
How many? 🤔
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Leaving the Barbers like