Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*