Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
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My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’