Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]