although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.