although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
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On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.