Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
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Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
A completely valid reaction tbh
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?