Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
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I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what