Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

You had me at “define legal”.