Always…
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Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
this is the news I live for
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.