Always 🥴
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Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
How is it still this week?
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Just a bush.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT