Always 🥴
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At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
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*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this