Always 🥴
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look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!