Always
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look at me when i’m typing to you
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
ok this is my dumbest yet
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
The French cow says MEUX…
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
😂😂😂
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.