Always
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me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.