Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

See..?

.

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”