Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
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My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
security at the airport getting more straightforward
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ