Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

I’m not wrong

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

Lucky old June.

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”