Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
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Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Covert ops
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.