Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
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[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.