Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
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‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.