Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
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A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
What personal space?
My dog
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Lmbo
