@avainwordland

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

You Might Also Like

@Nicholey23

You and I are just different. And by different I mean you’re stupid.

@stevevsninjas

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

@iGreenMonk

I got a dog and named it “Twenty Miles”. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.

@hippieswordfish

*sees red lobster commercial*
oh shit that looks good
*goes to red lobster*
what the absolute hell happened in here

@skittle624

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

@dshack8

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

@Death_Buddy

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]