Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

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You and I are just different. And by different I mean you’re stupid.


You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.


Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle


I got a dog and named it “Twenty Miles”. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.


*sees red lobster commercial*
oh shit that looks good
*goes to red lobster*
what the absolute hell happened in here


I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.


Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.


Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]