Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

this chia pet tastes awful

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.