Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

Medieval coworker during the black plague: yea there’s definitely something going around

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes