Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
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my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.