Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
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If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
🤝
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year