Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
💀 😭
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
