Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

tourist season

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

just witnessed a drug deal

what’s really going on

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!