Always a housemaid, never a house.
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If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
shut up and take my money
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?