Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
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Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Thinking about Jeff
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
*struts into the new year
~ trips
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice