Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
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* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING