Always a metermaid never a meter
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And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity