Always a metermaid never a meter
You Might Also Like
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
My boss called in sick of me
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
