Always a metermaid never a meter
You Might Also Like
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Cashiers are always checking me out
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie