Always a metermaid never a meter
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If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.