Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
How I like cutting carbs
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.