Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh