Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

sry

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”