Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
You Might Also Like
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
it is time once again
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
The real reason evolution started..😂
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.