Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

the noise i just made

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.

So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me