Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song