Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?