Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
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Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
#parenting
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
December birthdays be like…
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
If only
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.