Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you鈥檙e pleased to see them, tell them you鈥檝e just got home.
If you don鈥檛 want them in, say you were just on your way out.
馃榿
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We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to鈥owling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Me: I鈥檓 here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you鈥檙e here for neither.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don鈥檛 you use the rolls that you鈥檙e buying
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it鈥檚 how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
date: I love a man who鈥檚 self aware
me: I鈥檓 honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven鈥檛 tried it myself but seems really popular
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
3-year-old: Daddy, I don鈥檛 want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won鈥檛 be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
