Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

I camp so other people don’t have to.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas