always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Webb. James Webb.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.