always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
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My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
That time Alicia messaged me
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
the three branches of government
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *