Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
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A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Realize this:
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
The dark side of Canada
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*