Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
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Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Introverted vegans go meetless
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday