Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
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Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew