Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”