Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
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When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
synchronized noseblowing
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.