Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
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[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Always leave them wanting their money back.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
🥲
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡