Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color