Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
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A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil